Thursday, February 03, 2011

Reading Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand...

I am addicted to this book, ‘Atlas Shrugged’ by Ayn Rand.
I am immersed in this book so fully that sometimes I ignore what my three year old is trying say or that my husband is inviting me for tea. It is after ages that a book has engulfed me to this extent; I think the last one was few years ago when I read ‘Gone with the Wind’ and then when it was over the withdrawal and the vacuum drove me crazy. I can and so can DH predict a similar fate of mine this time around but I am hooked, addicted and can totally relate to a drug addict who needs an outside energy to keep the internal machinery going.

I am not physically dependent but my mind is craving more of it constantly. I look for things to do that does not involve my mind so I can continue listening to this book. I like to clean, fold laundry, organize and everything else that requires a monotone and not an active participation of my mind.
I don’t know how this book is going to end and to what extent will I indentify with this book but for now it is holding me down to my core and I love such intense connection and passion. This book is going to change certain aspects of my understanding forever and would develop my philosophy of life in new dimensions even if I don’t completely agree with this book in the end but that still remains to be seen. I might write more about it later but had I found this book a few years ago I would have been totally sold on the idea of productivity. Deep down I still constantly want to produce and be active and be useful but these days something in my life is asking me to slow down and just watch the rays of the sun move across the room and live like, ‘I am here for now’.  There is a quote in my living room, ‘this too shall pass’, to remind me of the fragility of each passing moment. By the time one realizes its presences the moment vanishes in thin air to be replaced by new one exactly like the previous one and yet so different.

This book constantly talks about rewarding productiveness and moral clarity and at this stage of life when I would like to slow down and create some breathing space I find myself alone and deserted and pointless. I put immense value in my friendships and relationships and this book has shown these links in a bad light, as if everybody is seeking something in return for the friendship that they might offer; and in turn true friends do not offer others a helping hand until they pay a physical price or have a personal motive for the favor they are offering. I know the author is trying to preach a theory and has chosen unadulterated characters but I don’t think life is that simple or may be my views and moral values have been corrupted by the system as the book claims and the only way to appreciate the mind is by accepting it in its entirety.

I don’t know and I shouldn’t be writing about the book before I finish it but I am scared that once the book is completed the withdrawal is going to drown me and I might not be able to convey the pleasure that this book is giving me and the excitement that it has brought back into my life. 

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